Toddler Discipline - A myth, a reality or an investment?

Guest Blogger Deepa M. Kini

As kids, discipline is the most detested word in our dictionary. As parents, discipline represents a daunting/un-achievable task. I recall the umpteen attempts I made, to skip my mum's discipline sessions. I dread to spring such sessions on Pranay. This is when I started to search for the alternative way to lecturing my boy for every unacceptable behavior.

I looked up the meaning of the D-word. I was happy to find that it does not mean chastisement, though punishment is an integral part of the process.  I would like to perceive discipline as a method of practice, meaning, taking up good behavior examples and practicing them till they are habits. There is another dreaded word called “change” that we all must undergo before we start seeing results. This process is neither easy on us nor on the child. I remember asking in New Mommies World forum (a parenting group on Facebook, by Momsters), the exact time to start disciplining a child. Based on the answers that I received, I realized that the procedure starts with us and not the children. I chalked out a few do’s and dont’s for my family and I am still working on it.

Step 1: Change in Parents' Attitude

This is the first and most vital step of the change you expect to see in your toddler. Toddlers follow our every move, we are their first role models. However cliche it might sound, but we need to be the change we want to see in our kids. 

Prepare you family for some tears, some struggle and agreement.

• Agreement between partners is important. Refrain from fighting/discussing disagreements which lead to ugly fights, in front of the kids. If they notice that disrespecting others is a trend in their home, they will never listen to us.
• When we confront our toddler, (s)he may violently disagree, cry or scream. It is important to prepare one's family to ignore these tantrums. You cannot pamper the child when a parent is being stern. This will not work. Let the others in family interfere only when it is necessary to.

Decide the punishment before you actually belt it out. Also, punishment should be rare and not given out for every wrong thing they 

• Do not use hitting as a punishment. Give sufficient subtle warnings to the kid. A sudden spank may surprise him/her. If you are too stern, your child might get too scared or startled. 
• You could try ignoring the child’s tantrums. Make sure you keep an eye on the toddler to pull them out in situations they might harm themselves.
• Never over-do the punishment. Keep a time-limit and after that time, if the toddler is still not listening, (s)he is clearly frustrated. Change the subject and divert their mind. Hug them, but do not apologize.

The most effective punishments are those that do not hurt the child in any way (physically or mentally), and conveys to them that they cannot repeat the behavior. 

• Never tell kids “I told you so, this is what happens when you don’t listen to me”. Just hug them and ask them not to do it again. 
• Never judge other kids in front of toddlers, be it a bad or a good example.
• Never compare toddlers/kids or weigh them on a behavior/achievement basis with his cousin/friend. (I hated it as a kid)
• Never judge others’ parenting styles. 
• Never ever listen to another person telling you off for not disciplining your child. If they cannot help you, their words may not too.

Sometimes, not doing things also can be rewarding. By not judging others, you will save yourself some pain and worries. 

Step 2: Work with your child.

Always do it with love.

• Toddlers learn with repetition. Repeat things a lot and they will learn. 
• While disciplining, speak with love but in a firm manner.
• Give them reason(s) why they are not supposed to do something.
• Minimize punishments.
• Check their mood before talking to them. If they are frustrated just drop it. Or else you both will end up frustrated.

Concentrate on one thing at a time. Concentrate on things that are concerning the kid’s behavior. Or else we will end up nagging him/her the whole day. For example: he may be doing 3 things wrong. Concentrate on one thing and for the other two things, divert his attention to some other place.

• Things will take time. Patience is key.
• If things are not working out. Drop it for a while and take it up later. Concentrate on some other trait that we think, needs change.

In my case, Pranay is very active and does not stand still for a second. He is gone by the time we finish even one statement. So, I had to work a lot towards a method to convey our seriousness towards things. Every child, parent and parenting styles are unique. I am not an expert but a mother undergoing struggles with my toddlers growing independence and change. Some of these things may (not) be possible or work out for you.You will have to see what works for you, select a technique and keep practicing it.

I know it is tough, but remember, you can only overcome this unfathomable mountain with love and patience.

Deepa M. Kini is a Bangalore based Tech mom of a 1.5 year old boy. She loves being with different type of people and communicating with people of all ages.