Raising Strong Daughters

*Long post ahead, sit back and read with a cup of coffee or chai

I’m blessed to have Z as my daughter, and frankly I always saw myself as a mom of a daughter from the time I got pregnant. I have been brought up in a household with 3 daughters and we were never made to feel any different. Our mom and dad never ever made us feel that we were any less. We were pampered, at the same time, we were allowed to rough it out, take our own decisions, make our mistakes and learn from them. Growing up we saw our parents as partners.  We were brought up as confident ‘individuals’ and we were told we can do anything if we believe in ourselves. 

Though, in India, this was pretty unusual back then. I did have people in the extended family who kept boys on a pedestal. Then there were friends who were supposed to behave in a particular manner, just because of their gender.  I didn't quite understand the hype about gender till I became a mom.

 

We feel (both of us as Z’s parents), that Z is an individual person and she has all the rights to be her own self. When I was growing up I was never made to believe that I’m different because I’m a girl, I wasn’t ever told I had to do a particular thing because I’m a girl. In fact, in our family daughters were celebrated, my dad treated us like his jewels and my mom believed in making us strong, confident, independent individuals. So, with Z coming into my life, I was sure of one thing I'll not stop her from doing things or make her do things because she's a girl. Faizan and I know how crucial it is to make her believe in herself.  I want to bring Z up with the same belief in her as I had while growing up... I want her to know that she is capable of doing anything.  In our house as well, we've always lived as equals (me and my husband) so whether it is working outside, taking care of the house and parenting Z. I guess this has a huge impact on the child's mind, irrespective of the gender. So, in short, we want Z to believe in herself, and know we believe in her as well. We would respect her as an individual more than anything else. Let her know she can do anything if she believes in it (like my parents told me). We would let her fall, make mistakes, learn and get up. Be the correct example for her, rather than preach her. Tell her we are with her, to guide her, to support her and to love her.

I spoke to couple of fellow moms, who are also mothers of beautiful daughters. I wanted to see what they believe in. Here is what they said: 

My maasi, Farah Kadir says ‘I am a mother to two lovely daughters aged 16 & 11 , I really don’t know what it takes to be a perfect woman, what rules one should follow to be one , I've followed my heart & my instinct to instill good moral values , have nurtured them with immense love & care appreciating & praising them for good behavior at the same time reprimanded them for doing wrong , taught them good family values always encouraged them to speak their mind & voice their opinion about what they think is right & to believe in themselves !!’

‘When it comes to raising daughters, we need to make them strong, independent and as having a responsibility primarily to themselves. Women are seen mainly as wives, moms, nurturers -- what about themselves? Women who are unmarried and follow their own path are labeled bossy, spinsters, what not. We need to teach our girls that they can do what they want, they can always find love, they can travel the world, adopt a child when they are 45 and have gone everywhere.’  – Shweta Sharan mom of a 4 year old girl.

‘To tell you the truth we are not doing anything special. She is an individual, and we treat her like one. She will turn 3 this April and I see her coming up with all sorts of naughty ideas. Though I get irritated, but I am happy she is thinking. I try to make her see why an act is good or bad. I think the most important thing is to spend quality time with the kid and listen to the kid so that he/she will feel important and confident. I don’t want her to just grow-up thinking what her parents think, but she should have her own ‘individuality’ and confidence in herself. I coax her to try new things, read lots of books, try to learn technology….I know she is small, but I think from now on I want her to make her own decision, at least voice it out. Today it’s us, but in the future it will be the world. Apart from that we try to engage her in physical activities. We will be there in all aspect of her life to advice what is right or wrong, but the ultimate decision will be her. I hope someday Saanvi grows up as a confident, kind, hardworking and responsible individual.’ - Debanjali Chakraborty Mom of a 3 year old girl

In today's world, it’s extremely important to raise a strong-willed and confident kid and this holds even more good if it is a daughter, although enough had been said on gender-equality and all those blah. Here's little bit of wisdom I have inherited from my Mom and hope to pass onto S over the coming years. Follow Your Heart I believe that our heart knows what is right and what is best. Whether it be going after the dream job, or standing up for your own right, follow your heart and walk your own way.  Be 'You' If you ask your Dad for dating advice one day, he will most likely tell you to be you. And he is right. When someone falls for you, you want them to fall for the person you are, not the person you thought they wanted you to be. The right person will have the ability to love an imperfect you...perfectly. - Own your smart If ever in your life you wonder if it better to be pretty or smart, value your brain more than your looks because this can gain you respect in the long run.  Sing your own praise Because if you don't, nobody else will. Love Yourself Do you see that face staring back at you when you look in the mirror? She is a jewel. She is beautifully and radiantly and wonderfully made. While people will often first notice you for your looks, your looks are only a part of who you are. Your heart, your character, and your intelligence have the ability to outshine those bright eyes and pouty lips. Realize that one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself is love. If you know your worth, you will be mindful of how you allow others to treat you. Never ever compromise on how you are treated. Never... - Sumita Dutta, Mom of a 3 year old girl

‘To raise strong girls I don’t try to things intentionally, but just demonstrate by being myself (hoping that leading by example is a good way). Also I try not to molly cuddle them, but let them be, whether it is to take a fall, scrape news. I'm in that way a mom who lets them make mistakes, so that they learn and are not scared of everything. I'm yet to figure out how to get them strong emotionally and not look for escape routes when the going gets tough, right now the method is, if they say it cannot be done mamma, i show them that it can be, maybe in a albeit different way.’ - Saraswathi Anand, mom of 3 year old twin girls

‘My daughter is my child, girl or boy, actually speaking, doesn't matter. What I believe in, is what I do, is what I preach ( I mean advice/ suggest). I am never over protective, at the same time, I caution her, share my experiences and let her face the consequences of her choice! I believe, strength hugely depends on one's mind more than physical strength. Freedom with boundaries is something which we follow at home, esp. with respect to her pocket money, going out for birthday parties etc. Not being stifled, with rules, dos and don'ts. I also believe in instilling strength, I guess. Most importantly, we are friends (who fight like cats and dogs, which is a diff story!)....having that equation is definitely a plus!’ - Priya Muthukumar mom of an 11 year old daughter

‘Believing in herself; standing up for what she thinks is right by being true to herself and her conscience and all the way following the path of honesty. Of course what goes without saying is to be an example of what I tell her.’ – Lavanya Prasad mom 2 daughters (10 years and 2 years)

Pretty good to hear from these amazing moms. Then I moved on to moms of little boys, and asked them, how they intend on raising boys who respect girls.

‘It worries me that I have a son. It worries me that I have the gigantic responsibility of answering the questions he may have about violence against women. As he grows up to songs like ‘Fevicol Se’, hear politicians say that his colleague is a ‘tunch maal’, or a society that judges a woman for what she wears and who she goes out with; I worry, that I have a lot of answering to do for him. For one, I know I will not teach him to be the protector. I will not teach him that girls are meant to be protected. I will teach him that he has to create a world where girls don’t have to be afraid of anyone… especially men. And that begins with him. If his sister is not threatened by him in any way, then no woman will be. He must respect, love and honour his sister just as he would expect her to do. To all parents who have sons.  I would ask, does it the situation bother you too? It should. Because you have to tell him, Dear Son, Girls are not meant to be Raped!!!’ – Rituparna mom of 2.5 year old V. Read her thoughts here http://www.parentous.com/2013/08/26/dear-son-girls-meant-raped-girls-are-not-objects/

‘The most important thing according to me is to demonstrate to him that women and men are no different. They need to be treated equally. He needs to know simple things like for example, that a woman's place is not in the home/kitchen alone. He sees me go out for meetings, take calls etc. just like his dad, so there's a big lesson there. To my mind, it's critical that I don't let stereotypes come into play. So I play cricket/football with him and not just read and tell him stories or feed him his food. I think respect for women comes from seeing them in a certain way. If I had a girl, I'd do the same things’ - Deeptha Vivekanand mom of a 3 year old son.

‘I got so irritated when H came back from school one day and said boys can run but girls SHOULD walk. I felt sick, I told him who taught you this and he said his teacher. I don't take things like this lightly at all. It is not just kid's banter which I would otherwise ignore. Also I make sure I don't do the 'pink and blue' thing for H. I don't know where he picks all this from, so prove it to him that pink is not a girl's colour, I bought a piano in pink for him and also a pink shirt. I do these little things and hope to make a big difference.’ – Gayathri Ananth mom of a 3.5 year old boy.

‘My son is 2, and I try to keep it as gender neutral as possible. No color coding or gender coding, so that we build up on how everyone is the same. When he grows a little older, we start our passive teaching on how to respect ladies. Not a very laid-out plan, but a slow process of marinating. - Shobhana Mandal mom of a 2 year old boy.

So now that you've heard from fellow moms... what is your take. How do you intend to raise Confident, Strong and Secure individuals (girls). 

*Pictures are not a property of Momsters and have been taken from Google.